How do I get my sex drive back?

How do I get my sex drive back?

This is a question I hear often & the truth is, we will all go through dips & peaks when it comes to our sex drive. So many factors in our personal lives, work lives & health can impact whether we feel like having sex or not. Please do not let anyone or anything make you feel like your sex life should look a certain way. Tune into what feels good for you instead!  


In saying that, if you are wanting to elevate your sex drive, there are a few things you can start doing to help you reach a place that’s satisfying for both you and your partner. 


First & foremost, do not force it. If you force yourself to try to feel turned on or have sex when you really don’t want to, your body is going to shut off. This will only bring you further away from pleasure, which is the opposite of what you want. Let yourself dive into moments of pleasure when it feels right, not when someone else wants you to or when you feel you “should”. 


The next thing I want you to do is focus on falling into your feminine as much as possible. There will be moments where you are required to be in your masculine (such as during work or when you’re tackling your to-do list) however many of us forget to come back into our feminine outside of these hours. 

In every relationship there is a masculine & a feminine. If you allow yourself to fall deeply into your feminine, your partner is able to step into their masculine & it creates a beautiful dynamic for love, sex & intimacy. 


As women, most of us have a feminine core which means we love to sit back, receive & be open to pleasure. This is when our sexuality & sensuality are given an opportunity to play & the masculine in our lives can step up & provide - let them. You don’t have to be in hustle & grind mode all day long. You can trust your partner (the masculine) to take care of things while you sit back & relax. 

If you come home from a busy day of work & remain in your masculine, you’re not going to feel very sexy & the entire sexual dynamic is thrown off. 


I want you to write a list of things you can do in order to move from your masculine & into your feminine before you hit the bedroom. Note that it doesn’t have to be lengthy! You can have a quick 10 minute bath with delicious salts, jam out to your sex playlist on the way home, take your undies off before stepping into the house, slip into sexy silky pj’s, light your favourite candle & take three deep breaths, put on delicious perfume - the options are endless here. Pick something that really resonates with you & gives you that yummy shift in energy. 


Next, make a list of all the things that turn you on & send this to your partner - the more, the merrier! This gives your partner an instruction manual on how to turn you on waaaay before the bedroom which of course leads to… better sex! Your partner will thank you for it & you will feel much more satisfied. 

It’s no surprise that women take longer to feel turned on so doing small things throughout the day can be really helpful when it comes to play time. Think of it like you’re oiling a machine before you go to use it. 


Things such as sending a cheeky text, leaving saucy post it notes, really kissing goodbye, getting your partner to do the dishes or asking them to cook dinner every now & then can make all the difference! If they know that cleaning the house is going to make you wild later that night… you bet they’re going to pull that vacuum out! 


Another thing I want you to do is pay attention to the times you’re trying to have sex. Does it work for your schedule? Do you feel the most at ease or most stressed during this time? Is it in the middle of a crazy project at work? Do you have lots of family around? Are you scared one of the kids is going to walk into the bedroom? Is it in the morning when you have a million things to get done? Do you only have a spare 20 seconds to get it in & out? 


This is when it can be super effective to schedule sex into your calendar. I know this doesn’t sound sexy at first but hear me out. 


Instead of writing ‘sex with Ben at 6pm’ write something like ‘yummy time’ & send your partner a cheeky text that day saying ‘I can’t wait to rip your clothes off tonight’ - or whatever else excites you! Have fun with it. Scheduling time in your calendar puts your mind at ease & allows you to step away from all distractions at a time that really suits you. Know that this 30-60-90-120 minute block is purely for your pleasure & your relationship, the rest of life can be dealt with later. 


The last thing I want you to do is learn what your erotic blueprint is. There are five different categories - energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky & shapeshifter. You can take a quick test here & find out what erotic blueprint both & your partner hold. 


A lot of couples can experience a disconnect in the bedroom if they have different blueprints. For example, if your partner is kinky & you are sensual, you’re not going to be turned on by BDSM ropes & handcuffs. You’re going to be turned on by soft sheets, candle lit spaces, sensual music & yummy aromas while your partner won’t feel aroused at all - do you see how the disconnect occurs? 


These are just a few ways you can boost your libido but as I mentioned at the beginning, please do not force it. The more you force sexual experiences when you’re not ready, the quicker your body will shut down. If you’re not ready for certain activities yet, let yourself relish in little moments of pleasure even it its non-sexual as your feminine will love this! 


Feminine energy is tied into sexual energy & the more you can turn yourself on in life, the more turned on you’ll feel in the bedroom. 


If you want more resources, I highly recommend tuning into Love, Sex & Goop on Netflix & reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Both of these will help you & your partner understand how to navigate through your sexual desires & create happy, fulfilling sex lives. 


If you have any more questions please don’t hesitate to reach out! I am always happy to help & no question is off limits.


Written by Sophia Calvi 


Listen to Flirt With Sophia the podcast on iTunes & Spotify

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